7 Signs that You Need to Toughen Up

I remember the day vividly when I realized I needed to toughen up.  I was working full-time and I had two small kids and my husband was working all the time.  They both suddenly came down with the stomach flu.  I had several light bulbs that needed to be replaced and I hadn't bothered to do it because I needed to get a ladder out of the garage.  Suddenly a spider came out of a towel and my daughter yelled, "A bug!  Where's Daddy?"  It occurred to me then that I needed to take control and toughen up.

I killed that spider and marched out to the garage for the ladder.  It felt wonderful.  Then I took some probiotics to ward off the stomach flu decided I just wasn't going to get it.  I just couldn't.  And I didn't.  And from that day forward, I felt like a new woman.

Now, 5 years later, my daughter comes to me when she finds a scary bug.  Or she takes care of it herself, since she's also a mini-scientist and loves to catch and collect all kinds of bugs.  When she grows up and is a young Mom, I have no intention of her living in a dark house, filled with spiders the way I did, because there is just no reason to.  Of course, I love my husband, and we are a good team, but being tough and independent is one of the most rewarding changes I have ever made in my life.

Here are 7 signs you need to toughen up:
1.  You don't change your own bulbs, especially the high-up ones.  That's right ladies, don't be afraid to go get a ladder.  There's no reason to leave it for your husband.  Take charge right when you realize it's burned out.
2.  You go to your husband when you find a bug that needs to be killed (or caught and released, depending on your point of view).  They're not that scary.  In fact, you could help your kids collect disgusting spiders, cicada shells, and preying mantis (see below, every summer we collect these and I find them all over the house in plastic bags).  AND you can put the worms on the hook yourself.



3.  You are afraid to take on house-hold projects, even small ones such as adding extra hooks to the swingset or hanging pictures.  There is no reason to leave pictures sitting by a wall for weeks on end just because your husband hasn't had time to hang it.  We live in the world of HGTV.  And, some women are ready good with their hands.  I'm not, but some are and if you're a lucky one, you could tackle some paint jobs and help with the bigger jobs like tile or building decks.
4.  You hate going places by yourself.  You often pull the, "I don't want to drive there by myself," routine, especially if that means a road-trip or an airplane ride with the kids by yourself.  Get yourself a DVD player for the kids, and hit the open road.  You will survive.  If I can do it, you can.
5.  You don't take out your own trash.  Sometimes husbands have early meetings or just forget.  You have strong arms, so putting them to use should be no problem for you.
6.  You never take care of yard work.  But what happens if your husband forgets to water those baby trees?  You can pull weeds, you mow the yard.  (Okay, I admit my husband doesn't let me mow the yard because he says it doesn't look terrible when I do it.  But I do everything else.)
7.  You won't shovel your own snow.  Give the kids a shovel and get 'er done!

Of course, I'm not 100% independent.  I still make my husband throw away dead mice and squirrels, but I do my best and I'm proud to show my kids that being fearless is possible.







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Scared of Bugs? Not anymore!!!

I really like sitting on our back porch.  And I don't think it's too much to ask that the kids play by themselves for ten minutes occasionally so that I get to kick up my feet and sip my tea.  Unfortunately, the kids disagree with me.  They feel that it is, in fact, way too much to ask.  Every time I get my tea just to the right temperature and start to take a sip I hear, "MOMMY!  I need help!!!"  At this point they are usually inside their little playhouse where I can't see them, so I fall for it every time.

I go running and 9 times out of 10 the emergency is related to bugs. 

Munchkin says:  "Mommy!  I think there is a spider in here!"

I say: "Really?  Where?"

Munchkin looks around diligently: "Well, I saw it a minute ago.  I think I heard it go that way."

I say:  "You can't really hear spiders.  I think you'll be okay."

Just as I sit back down, I hear it again, "Mommy!!! I need help!!"

So I recently decided I needed to take matters into my own hands.  I needed to cure Munchkin Girl's fear of bugs, especially since I feel that it is mostly to get my attention and sabotage my need for relaxation. I bought her a magnifying glass and one afternoon while Little Buddy was sleeping, I told her we were going on and adventure in our backyard.  She was intrigued until I told her we were going to look for bugs and spiders.

"But Mommy, I'm scared of bugs!"

"Don't worry," I told her.  "I think you're going to be surprised.  Bugs are really interesting.  They all have different legs and bodies and do different things."

I have to admit that I don't know much about bugs so that's about as scientific as we got.  However, the first time she spotted an ant through a microscope, and saw the two separate bodies and how busy the ant was, she was hooked.


We spent over thirty minutes in the backyard wandering around with the magnifying glass, inspecting everything we found from mulch, to all the bugs, to worms, to the tiny pieces of plastic the dogs had chewed up several months before.  I even had time to sneak in a cup of tea while she was occupied!

A few days later, we spotted some kind of long caterpillar on our driveway.  I pointed it out to her and I am proud to say that she scampered to the ground and spent another thirty minutes following that caterpillar all over our driveway.  She wasn't one bit scared of it.


In fact, on our recent trip to Florida she kept trying to catch the lizards.  Our learning may have gone too far.  We might need to buy a book from the library about what is nice and what isn't, but for now, I'm just happy to minimize the amount of times per day I have to hear "MOMMY!" in a screeching voice.



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Do Stressed Out Parents = Stressed Out Kids?

 I am not afraid to kill bugs.  Spiders?  No problem.  I squash them without a second thought.  Hubby works so much that I really had to learn the art of killing bugs very early in our marriage.  Here is a bug I found in Little Buddy's mouth one time.  Did I freak out?  Nope.  I just fished it out of his mouth and went about my day. 


However, wasps and anything that buzzes really scares the you know what out of me.  For some reason I have the impression that I will avoid being stung if I squirm around while flapping my arms and squealing like a little girl.  So far, it does actually seem to work fairly well.

Last weekend the weather was amazing.  We had the back door open and we ate breakfast on the patio and the kids played outside while we sipped our morning coffee (and tea for me).  It was pure bliss until I had to go inside for a refill.  While I was inside, I heard a buzzing, followed by "Mommmmiiiiiee!!!  Big buuuuuug!!!!"

I ran over and found the biggest bee/wasp you've ever seen.  Little Buddy innocently wandered over there to see what was making all the noise.  I must admit that I freaked out a little.  Okay, a lot.  I rushed over, grabbed him and told him to stay with me.  I held him tight while screaming at the top of my lungs, "Get in here!!  We have a huge wasp.  Hurry!!!"

Hubby calmly came in, got the fly swatter, killed the wasp, and then went back outside.  The chaos was over, but then Little Buddy didn't want to go back outside.  He started saying, "Mommy scared." His eyes were wide with fear.  I had thoroughly terrified the poor little guy.  I tried to take him outside to show him everything was fine now.  I let him sit on my lap and I patted his back and assured him that I wasn't scared anymore.  I tried to distract him by reading him a book and then pointing out the birds and the trees.  Unfortunately, every time I said something and asked for a response, his reply was always, "Mommy scared".  He was literally almost shaking.  Oops.

I guess I can see why it's hard for kids to see their Moms be scared about something.  They certainly don't like to see us cry. This made me realize that I need to simmer down a bit, and an article I read recently really seems to confirm this.  A study in the April release of Pediatrics found that premature babies whose parents were stressed or depressed were more likely to develop behavior problems by the age of three.  Now, of course, my kids weren't premies, and they aren't even babies anymore, so this study probably doesn't strictly apply, but I do think that the overall premise makes sense and was demonstrated that day when my own personal bias toward wasps scared Little Buddy so much.  When I think back, I was incredibly stressed with my first baby and she was also a very excitable child.  She used to panic if her room wasn't exactly the same very single night.  We worried that she would end up with OCD or high anxiety, but I have mellowed a lot as she's gotten older and I think she's mellowed with me.  Coincidence?  Could be, but I think not.  To me, stress breeds stress and this just reinforces that I really to chill out.  On that note, I think I'll go pour myself a bubble bath and a glass of wine.

PS...Don't worry...we ended up going to the zoo later and when we came home, Little Buddy had forgotten the entire thing and ran outside with Big Sis. I didn't permanently damage him for life.  Phew!

PPS...Please don't take this to mean that I am blaming every parent who has a child with OCD.  I fully understand that there around dozens of other factors that contribute to behavior problems, and some are simply genetics or a fluke, but I do think kids learn by example and so for me personally, I am going to try to portray a nice, calm, Zen exterior even if I am squirming and squealing in my own head.  We'll see how it goes.




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