French Women Don't Have Mommy Guilt

Mommy Guilt is terrible.  Before I had kids, a friend told me that Moms never stop feeling guilty.  I remember thinking she was crazy.  "What on earth will I have to feel guilty about?" I thought.  "That's absurd!"

Then came the day when I had to hand my 12 week old baby over to the nanny.  My boobs were spurting breast milk and my little girl seemed so helpless.  Of course the raging hormones don't help anything, but I remember feeling so overwhelmed with guilt that I almost couldn't function.  Then when I was working I couldn't concentrate and then I felt guilty for being such a bad employee.  Then when I came home and the nanny told me she cried all day, I felt guilty for leaving the nanny to have such an unpleasant day.

Now, three and half years later, the guilt still never ends but it almost amuses me.  When I'm alone in the shower and I feel a pang of guilt for being away from the kids, I smile.  After all, why should I feel guilty for my 15 minutes alone?  Yet I do.  When I put them to bed at night, I have to admit that I'm thrilled to finally be able to sit down and relax.  And then I feel guilty for being so happy to be rid of them.  What kind of Mom am I anyway?  The good news is that as far as I can tell, every Mom out there feels guilty almost every second of every day for one reason or another.

Imagine my surprise when I recently discovered that French women don't feel guilty.  How is that possible?  Are they heartless?  I picked up a book called, Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman.  Ms. Druckerman is an American but she moved to France to raise a family with her British husband.  I was really floored when I read this book.  She introduced all kinds of concepts to me that are hard to grasp, like school trips for a week at a time for four year olds, kids who don't snack, and babies who sleep through the night at two weeks old. The most revolutionary idea to me though, was this idea that French women don't feel the guilt that we Americans do.  Surely Ms. Druckerman has misunderstood, right?  Isn't being guilty just part of Mom DNA?

Of American Moms, she says:

"For American mothers, guilt is an emotional tax we pay for going to work, not buying organic vegetables, or plopping our kids in front of the television so we can surf the Internet or make dinner.  If we feel guilty, then it's easier to do these things.  We're not just selfish.  We've "paid" for our lapses."

Now, I have to admit that is a very true statement.  I've never thought about it like this before, but I think she's right.  Yet this is what she says about French  mothers:

"French mothers absolutely recognize the temptation to feel guilty.  They feel as overstretched and inadequate as we Americans do.  After all, they're working while bringing up small children.  And like us, they often aren't living up to their own standards as either workers or parents.


The difference is that French mothers don't valorize this guilt.  To the contrary, they consider it unhealthy and unpleasant and they try to banish it.....What really fortifies Frenchwomen against guilt is their conviction that it's unhealthy for mothers and children to spend all their time together...The French also talk about l'equilibre....it's about not letting any one part of life - including parenting - overwhelm the rest."

I have really embraced this concept because anything that promotes less guilt and more fun in life is something I can get behind!  Now that I think about it, I do think guilt is unhealthy.  It makes me unhappy to feel guilty and then I also feel defensive.  Sometimes when people (i.e. Hubby) make innocent comments, I get offended and pick fights, just because I already feel inadequate.

Of course, there is a lot to be said for being a devoted Mom and I applaud anyone who wants to spend every second with their child.  However, I have found that for me, guilt really can be damaging and I'm determined to try to find a way to live without it.  With this in mind, I have resurrected a quote that I lived by in high school.  My wonderful Mom printed it out for me and made me hang it on my bathroom mirror so I would see it every morning before I left for school:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

If you are interested in reading Bringing Up Bebe, I do recommend it.  Aside from the Mommy Guilt issue, she introduces a lot of concepts that are truly helpful and interesting.  Here is the link to Amazon:

                                                                 



And don't forget to check out my new book!  It will seriously help you save your sanity.  If you have ever tried to cook dinner while your kid clings to your leg and cries, this is the book for you!  It was released in July, 2012 and was co-written by me and Susan Case, a Kindergarten Teacher.  We worked together to give a Mom's point of view and a teacher's point of view, so that we could give you activities that not only keep the kids busy, but also keep them motivated to learn and develop their natural curiosity.  Kids behave better when they are given challenging projects to work on, which will in turn give you more free time to do the things you really need to do, like washing dishes, paying bills, and relaxing so that you can be a better Mom!




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The Bad Days REALLY Make Me Appreciate the Good Days

Last Thursday was one of the WORST days of my life.  I'm not a drama queen, it really was terrible.  I had to travel four hours away for a presentation to a customer site, as part of my new territory for my job.  I'm not thrilled to be traveling to begin with, and I walk out of my hotel at 6:00am, only to find blowing winds and snow all over the ground.  Wonderful.

I get in my car and even though the roads are slick, I'm not too worried because my meeting doesn't start until 7:30 and it would normally only take 20 minutes to get there.  I'm not worried until I hit the highway.  Traffic isn't even moving, there are cars in every ditch, police lights are flashing everywhere.  It's pretty much mass chaos.  I creep along the highway and at 6:45 I'm started to get panicky.  I've still only gone about a mile in 45 minutes and my meeting is still scheduled to start at 7:30.

Well fast forward to 8:15 and I'm still in my car on the highway.  I know I should probably get off and take a sidestreet, but I don't know this city well enough to navigate the side streets.  I'm now 45 minutes late the meeting.  Cars are sliding around all over the place and I honestly feel like I'm lucky to be alive when I finally pull up at my customer site at 8:45, over an hour late and almost three hours after I left my hotel at 6:00.  I only drove 15 miles. 

I spend the next 6 hours talking to customers about our products and I haven't even had a chance to eat or drink anything when I run to my car at 3:00.  My goal is to make it home in time to put the kids to bed.  Unfortunately it's been snowing all day still and the roads are still bad so my four hour drive turns into 5 and a half and I miss putting the kids to bed.

You would think this would make me gloomy, but the next morning the kids wake up and they make up for everything that happened the day before.  They are SO excited to see me and I've never seen them so sweet.  They both keep coming up to hug me and Munchkin Girl keeps telling me how much she missed me (Keep in mind it was only one day).  Even Little Buddy keeps pausing while playing with his trucks. He lays his head on my lap, gives me a huge grin, and then goes back to his trucks.  It really makes me realize how lucky I am to be able the be the one who normally gets to get them out of the bed in their pajamas and feed them breakfast.  I love sitting at the table with them and then reading them books while they sit in my lap before we get dressed for the day.  Sure, sometimes they scream and fight and demand pink forks when I don't have pink forks, and I don't love ALL my days as a working Mom, but the bad days sure make me appreciate the good days.

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You Don't Own Me

Lately I've been feeling like I don't have control over my life and it's really stressing me out.  My company decided to reorganize and we all know what that means.  Major change.  Once I found out that I definitely still had a job, I was very relieved and it took away a lot of the stress, but things are still very much up in the air.  I will definitely have to travel more and with Hubby gone at the hospital so much, often overnight, going out of town takes a ton of organization between my Mom, my babysitter, and Hubby's Mom. 

I don't normally feel this kind of stress.  I have come to terms with the fact that I do have to work because right now Hubby doesn't make nearly enough as a resident for us to cover all of our bills.  It doesn't bother me at all that I have to work because I do actually like working and I enjoy never having to fight about money.  Mostly, I enjoy it because I had everything worked out and it was going well.  The nanny was happy with her schedule, the kids were in a routine, and I was making everything work.  Now I'm going to have a new boss, I'm going to be gone more, and I'll probably make less money.  How is it that I can be working hard, selling plenty of equipment, and suddenly BAM!!  Everything has to change and I don't get a choice.

All that being said, I am currently enjoying a four day weekend from work.  We spent the morning decorating the house for Christmas and at one point during the decorating, I looked around my house.  I was suddenly filled with the feeling of pure happiness.  The house looked so warm with all the lights and stockings, the kids were dancing to Christmas Carols, and I suddenly thought, "You don't own me!  You don't control my happiness!!  I control my happiness!"

I admit this probably sounds a tad melodramatic, but once that hit me, I felt free.  Now the kids are napping and I'm enjoying the quiet house while I drink some hot tea.  I know I'll be able to get through whatever comes because I do have choices in life and I choose to be happy with what I have.  See?  How could this NOT make me happy??

Secret Amusements and Heartache of a Working Mom

Yesterday Little Buddy was sick.  He didn't feel good and he needed his Mommy.  I wanted to cuddle and hold him and make him feel better.  Instead I had to drive 6 hours in the car to an important customer meeting in an attempt to salvage my big deal of the year.  Since I'm in sales, I'm really feeling the pressure that always comes at the end of the year. 

I'm lucky because I have a nanny so I don't have to cancel important meetings when the kids are sick.  On the other hand, there is nothing more excruciating than having to worry about your son's cough when you're 200 miles away.  Frankly, my nanny probably has it the worst because I have to pry my hands away from phone to keep myself from calling every 10 minutes to check up on everyone.  How is he?  Is he crying?  Does it seem like Munchkin Girl is sick too?  Does he still have a fever?  What is it?  Have you given him Advil?

Poor girl.  I don't know how she puts up with me.  To combat this nervous energy while I was stuck in the car, I decided to find ways to amuse myself.  I had to stop at a gas station on the way down to pee.


Look closely.  The soap dispensers have been removed for unknown reasons.  Instead, they placed a mysterioius blue liquid into a catsup bottle and placed it on top of the counter.  I opted for Purrell at this location.


Okay, I'm sorry.  Maybe I have a dirty mind, but why can't they just change the name of this franchise?  Does it really have to be KUM & GO???!!??



This was an advertisement for a tech center.  Frankly, I thought this was pretty clever marketing.


I had to pee again on the way home, so I tried to pick a classier gas station.  I was fooled.  Check out this sign, taped to the lock.  Very comforting.  Oh, so the door DOES lock...


Just in case you were smoking at the gas station, here is where you put your cigarette butt.  Nicely labeled.


By this time, the nanny had taken Little Buddy to the doctor and they put him on some oral steroids to help his breathing.  Mommy likes medicine so I was happy.  My meeting went well, but it was a long day in the car being stressed about Little Buddy.  I decided to treat myself to an ice cream cone from MacDonald's.  I heard they only have 80 calories.  At least that's what I tell myself in order to rationalize an ice cream cone at 2:00 in the afternoon.

I pulled up to the window and ordered. 

"I'm sorry Ma'am, we don't have vanilla ice cream cones."

"What," I almost screamed.  I really did feel almost frantic.  "Are you serious?  Did McDonald's discontinue ice cream cones???"

"Ma'am you're at Wendy's not McDonald's."

Oops.  Mommy needs a vacation.

Working Mom woes

I would really say one of my faults is being too early.  Well, that was a fault before I had kids.  When I first started my sales job 6 years ago, I wasted so much time because I got to every appointment almost an hour early.  I would sit in my car and watch the clock and wonder how early I could be without irritating the doctor or nurse or whoever I was meeting with. 

I don't have that problem anymore.

Every morning is hectic, no question.  But yesterday was one for the scrapbook (that is, if I had a scrapbook.  I gave that up a long time ago on account of that my scrapbook looked like it was made by a fifth-grader.)  Anyway, Munchkin Girl and I got home from our trip at 7pm and the very next morning both kids started their first day of school (They still have the nanny.  Munchkin Girl is starting pre-school and Little Buddy is doing one day of MDO at the same school).  Poor planning, I know. 

After we got the kids to bed, the real work began.  You know what it's like when you get home from a trip.  Bags everywhere.  Dirty laundry.  Plus I had to put the car seat back in the car and read through all the school paperwork.  The school gave precise instructions on what to bring: extra pair of clothes, extra diapers, crib sheets, etc.  Everything had to be marked with their names and all neatly placed in their backpacks.

So the next morning Hubby was able to get off work to help me drop them at school.  Little Buddy was almost too excited for school if you ask me.  I was really worried he would cling to us and cry and cry and I would have to go back and pick him up from school.  Not so much.  He barely glanced back at us before he dove for a ball and started throwing it around the room.  Munchkin Girl did well too.  She kept telling me she didn't want to go to school, but she forgot about her own fears as she put her arm around Little Buddy.

"Don't worry, you'll meet lots of new friends and the teachers will be very nice," she told her little brother.  Definitely a blissful family moment.  Until I looked at my watch.  9:20.  I was due at my customer meeting at 10:30 and it was over an hour drive.  Again, poor planning.

So, I went from doting Mom to sprinting career woman.  I gave Hubby a quick kiss and raced out the car.  No problem.  I should still make it as long as I drove fast.  Don't panic.  Road construction!  Speed reduced to 55.  Damnit!!  Seriously don't panic now.  I tried to tell myself and I needed to give myself a break.  I'm always early.  Usually everyone is late anyway.  I pulled in at 10:25 and ran down the stairs in my heels.  I was panting as I gave the receptionist my name.  And slightly sweating if I'm being honest.  The time was 10:32.  Only two minutes late.  Not bad. 

The lady took me down a hall and gestured toward the room.  At first it looked empty and I sighed in relief.  I walked through the door and was met with a conference table where there were already 10 people sitting.  They had started the meeting without me.  For someone who is ALWAYS early, there is nothing more excruciating than the feeling that you're very, very late.  And everyone is mad at you.  I'm a people pleaser, I can't help it.

The good news is that in the end, no one was mad and we got the sale.  And the kids loved school and Little Buddy even nodded at me when I asked him if he wanted to go back.   Probably couldn't have been a more hectic day, but it turned out fine.  Except for that nightmare I'm sure to have about being late to another meeting.

Mommy Guilt

I always thought I would quit working when I had kids.  Sometimes this knowledge can make women feel unmotivated to have a thriving career early in life.  After all, what's the point when it's only temporary?  However, for me it was the opposite.  I wanted to be really successful when I quit working so that I could go out on top and feel like I accomplished something.  Because of this, I worked like a maniac to try to break into the field of medical sales because that was my goal in life. 

After 2 jobs that were good but not great, I finally broke into medical sales.  I was nervous to drive all over the Midwest alone, and nervous to lose my work friends, but it turned out that I LOVED it.  And I thrived and became the top sales rep.  SO, when I had Munchkin Girl and it was time to quit, I found that I didn't really want to.  Not only that, but it just so happened that my company reorganized and I suddenly only had one state instead of three states.  I thought, Why not give it a try?  If I hate being a working mom, I'll quit.

It's been three years since I made that decision and I would say I now have a love/hate relationship with being a working mom.  This is all coming up at an interesting time because there was a segment on the "Today Show" this morning about the guilt that working moms have to deal with every day.  I thought it was ironic timing because just this morning I was thinking how absurd it was that I had just dropped the kids off at my nanny's house.  That seems reasonable, so you might wonder why that is absurd?

Well, my nanny lives 20 minutes away and we pay her to come to the house to take care of the kids.  However, I've found that when I leave my own house, they cry and carry on and I feel guilty all day for leaving them.  They beg me not to leave.  As I pull out of the garage I can hear the nanny struggling to get them distracted with promises of going downstairs or outside to play.  Little Buddy, my youngest, has a hard time getting out of a funky mood.  This means that I worry all day that he's in a bad mood because I had to leave. 

Alas, the miracle of discovering that they LOVE going to the nanny's house!!  She has a huge dog that the kids love.  Plus my nanny has a younger brother and sister who often are home to play with the kids.  So, instead of leaving 2 crying kids, they both hop out of the car with a smile and scurry inside to play.  It makes me so happy.  Then I can go about my day without feeling guilty for being a working mom.  My kids are happy and so am I.  Is it worth the 40 minutes out of my day that I squander so that my kids are happy?  Absolutely!  Well, most days anyway.