New Research: Parents Feel Guilty About Using Phones at PlayGrounds - But Should We?

When my Mom was a kid, her Mom dropped her off for the entire weekend at the farm where they kept their horses.  She was only ten years old.  A few interesting facts about this: 1.  The farm was thirty minutes from home 2.  There was no phone at the farm in case of emergencies 3.  There was no adult supervision whatsoever 4.  At least ten other girls were also dropped off for the weekend, so it was basically like a big, dangerous slumber party.
Times have changed, and Moms would get arrested for this nowadays, but something powerful came out of those weekends at the farm...no one knows how to problem-solve like my Mom does.  We call her "The Random Innovator".  She is a perfect example of the fact that when we give kids time to explore and learn through play, they become amazing problem-solvers.  In fact lately, there has been lots of buzz including a recent NY Times article about how kids learn much more through playing than they do through rigorous academics.  
Now, fast-forward to our society, where parents are trapped in a prison of their own guilt.  A new study from The University of Washington found that the majority of parents feel they shouldn't even look at their phones while their kids are playing at the park.  According to the survey, 44% of parents say they know they shouldn't use their phones, but they can't help themselves and then they feel guilty about it later.  Another 28% say they know they shouldn't use their phones and they follow through and keep their phones away.  The article implies that these are the "good parents", since they managed to have their eyes locked on their children at all times.  But has anyone stopped to wonder what are we teaching kids when we feel we must watch them at all times?  We are teaching them that they are the center of the universe and no one else matters.  We are teaching them it's not okay for Moms and Dads to have lives outside their children.  We are teaching them that we don't trust them to play safely without our supervision.      Of course it's great that we don't leave our children alone at random farms anymore and it's admirable to try not to be glued to your phone when you're supposed to be spending quality time with your kids, but have we gone too far?   The study also reports that many of the parents who used their phones at the park were using it to email photos to Grandma.  And yet they felt guilty about it.  Why is that such a crime?
I say maybe we find a happy medium.  Let's just calmly explain that we are taking a minute to use our phone to email photos to Grandma.  The kids will understand.  Let's not rush over and get our hands ready to catch them when they start climbing the monkey bars.  Let's show them we trust them to learn things by themselves.  Let's take time to read books we like and not feel guilty about it.  Who knows, maybe they will find a way to amuse themselves.  Let's feel free to pay bills for thirty minutes and face the fact that we can't spend every second of every day making Pinterest-worthy crafts with the kids.    
Instead of feeling guilty, let's just smile lovingly when they tell us to watch them for the twentieth time doing the Monkey Bars.  Then we can go back to reading our book at the park so that our kids can also learn to become "Random Innovators" without us hovering over them every second of every day.

Please also check out my book! It is a wonderful resource for Moms, and was co-written with both a teacher and a Mom perspective. Here is a few review that you can find on Amazon:

"This book seriously saved my sanity. I've read a bunch of parenting books but this is literally the only one that actually gave me real and specific advice and ideas for things to do with my daughter. I'm a stay-at-home mom to a 2-year old and I was at my wits end trying to come up with ideas of fun, easy, creative things to do with her that will keep her busy and occupied and help her learn. I wasn't very good at following through on ideas that I heard about from friends or read in other books or online because they seemed too complicated (aka: messy!) but this book broke it down and made it so simple. I highly recommend it!"

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Mommy Needs a Break! From Guilt, from Diapers, From Everything!

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French Women Don't Have Mommy Guilt

Mommy Guilt is terrible.  Before I had kids, a friend told me that Moms never stop feeling guilty.  I remember thinking she was crazy.  "What on earth will I have to feel guilty about?" I thought.  "That's absurd!"

Then came the day when I had to hand my 12 week old baby over to the nanny.  My boobs were spurting breast milk and my little girl seemed so helpless.  Of course the raging hormones don't help anything, but I remember feeling so overwhelmed with guilt that I almost couldn't function.  Then when I was working I couldn't concentrate and then I felt guilty for being such a bad employee.  Then when I came home and the nanny told me she cried all day, I felt guilty for leaving the nanny to have such an unpleasant day.

Now, three and half years later, the guilt still never ends but it almost amuses me.  When I'm alone in the shower and I feel a pang of guilt for being away from the kids, I smile.  After all, why should I feel guilty for my 15 minutes alone?  Yet I do.  When I put them to bed at night, I have to admit that I'm thrilled to finally be able to sit down and relax.  And then I feel guilty for being so happy to be rid of them.  What kind of Mom am I anyway?  The good news is that as far as I can tell, every Mom out there feels guilty almost every second of every day for one reason or another.

Imagine my surprise when I recently discovered that French women don't feel guilty.  How is that possible?  Are they heartless?  I picked up a book called, Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman.  Ms. Druckerman is an American but she moved to France to raise a family with her British husband.  I was really floored when I read this book.  She introduced all kinds of concepts to me that are hard to grasp, like school trips for a week at a time for four year olds, kids who don't snack, and babies who sleep through the night at two weeks old. The most revolutionary idea to me though, was this idea that French women don't feel the guilt that we Americans do.  Surely Ms. Druckerman has misunderstood, right?  Isn't being guilty just part of Mom DNA?

Of American Moms, she says:

"For American mothers, guilt is an emotional tax we pay for going to work, not buying organic vegetables, or plopping our kids in front of the television so we can surf the Internet or make dinner.  If we feel guilty, then it's easier to do these things.  We're not just selfish.  We've "paid" for our lapses."

Now, I have to admit that is a very true statement.  I've never thought about it like this before, but I think she's right.  Yet this is what she says about French  mothers:

"French mothers absolutely recognize the temptation to feel guilty.  They feel as overstretched and inadequate as we Americans do.  After all, they're working while bringing up small children.  And like us, they often aren't living up to their own standards as either workers or parents.


The difference is that French mothers don't valorize this guilt.  To the contrary, they consider it unhealthy and unpleasant and they try to banish it.....What really fortifies Frenchwomen against guilt is their conviction that it's unhealthy for mothers and children to spend all their time together...The French also talk about l'equilibre....it's about not letting any one part of life - including parenting - overwhelm the rest."

I have really embraced this concept because anything that promotes less guilt and more fun in life is something I can get behind!  Now that I think about it, I do think guilt is unhealthy.  It makes me unhappy to feel guilty and then I also feel defensive.  Sometimes when people (i.e. Hubby) make innocent comments, I get offended and pick fights, just because I already feel inadequate.

Of course, there is a lot to be said for being a devoted Mom and I applaud anyone who wants to spend every second with their child.  However, I have found that for me, guilt really can be damaging and I'm determined to try to find a way to live without it.  With this in mind, I have resurrected a quote that I lived by in high school.  My wonderful Mom printed it out for me and made me hang it on my bathroom mirror so I would see it every morning before I left for school:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

If you are interested in reading Bringing Up Bebe, I do recommend it.  Aside from the Mommy Guilt issue, she introduces a lot of concepts that are truly helpful and interesting.  Here is the link to Amazon:

                                                                 



And don't forget to check out my new book!  It will seriously help you save your sanity.  If you have ever tried to cook dinner while your kid clings to your leg and cries, this is the book for you!  It was released in July, 2012 and was co-written by me and Susan Case, a Kindergarten Teacher.  We worked together to give a Mom's point of view and a teacher's point of view, so that we could give you activities that not only keep the kids busy, but also keep them motivated to learn and develop their natural curiosity.  Kids behave better when they are given challenging projects to work on, which will in turn give you more free time to do the things you really need to do, like washing dishes, paying bills, and relaxing so that you can be a better Mom!




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Choosing to Bottle-feed Does NOT Make You Evil

This is another one that I published first at Technorati

In the 1950s, bottle-feeding was very common. Lactation consultants didn’t exist and women didn't read dozens of books about lactation. Nipple shields weren’t invented yet and they certainly didn’t have high-powered breast pumps. Neither doctors nor Moms knew what we know now: that breastfeeding prevents illness and allergies and even boosts intelligence.

Breastfeeding has really taken off since the 50s and now it is far more common for women to breastfeed, at least for the first few months. The unfortunate side effect of this breastfeeding craze is that now it is almost taboo to bottle-feed. I literally heard a nurse gasp at the hospital when a woman told her she did not want to even try to breast-feed. Women today are judged harshly for making the choice to feed formula instead of breast milk.

Although I chose to breastfeed for the first 6 months, I eventually switched to bottles. My daughter had terrible acid reflux and she wasn't gaining weight and I never knew how much milk she was actually getting. I was also working and the pumping situation was creating an enormous amount of stress. My daughter was only sleeping a few hours at a time, even at six months and I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown. Something needed to give and I chose breastfeeding. Once I switched to bottles, I felt like a new woman and like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. This may sound dramatic but it’s true. I blame the hormones.

Instead of sharing my joy with the world, I hid these feelings of relief because I felt guilty about it. Everyone from the doctor’s office to strangers I met on the street made me feel like I had given up. Like I had let my baby down by feeding her bottles. Almost like I was a bad mother because I wasn’t pumping anymore. Today, I think that a woman who chooses to feed formula, especially for the first few months, is seen by society as someone who doesn’t love their baby enough.

A study was released this week regarding the long-term effects of bottle-feeding on Reuters. The study followed kids born in Germany from 1995 to 1998. At age 10, the children were reevaluated. The study found that it didn’t make any difference to their long-term weight whether they were fed formula or breast milk. The choices their mothers made for them as infants didn’t affect their weight one way or the other.

Now that we have this new evidence that bottle-feeding might not be as bad as we think, I say we make a decision as women and as a society to stop judging others for their choices. Some women have a hard enough time transitioning to new mother-hood. New moms should spend their days watching the baby, cuddling the baby, encouraging the baby to sleep instead of worrying about what people will think of them. Some moms have easy babies who never cry, but others spend 6-8 hours a day pacing around the living room trying to get the baby to stop crying. The last thing those Moms need is to worry that their neighbor will make a snide comment when they feed their kid a bottle of formula.

Now don’t get me wrong. Breastfeeding is great and I don’t dispute any of the scientific evidence regarding the benefits. I just think we need to give new Moms a break and support and encourage instead of judge.

Working Mom woes

I would really say one of my faults is being too early.  Well, that was a fault before I had kids.  When I first started my sales job 6 years ago, I wasted so much time because I got to every appointment almost an hour early.  I would sit in my car and watch the clock and wonder how early I could be without irritating the doctor or nurse or whoever I was meeting with. 

I don't have that problem anymore.

Every morning is hectic, no question.  But yesterday was one for the scrapbook (that is, if I had a scrapbook.  I gave that up a long time ago on account of that my scrapbook looked like it was made by a fifth-grader.)  Anyway, Munchkin Girl and I got home from our trip at 7pm and the very next morning both kids started their first day of school (They still have the nanny.  Munchkin Girl is starting pre-school and Little Buddy is doing one day of MDO at the same school).  Poor planning, I know. 

After we got the kids to bed, the real work began.  You know what it's like when you get home from a trip.  Bags everywhere.  Dirty laundry.  Plus I had to put the car seat back in the car and read through all the school paperwork.  The school gave precise instructions on what to bring: extra pair of clothes, extra diapers, crib sheets, etc.  Everything had to be marked with their names and all neatly placed in their backpacks.

So the next morning Hubby was able to get off work to help me drop them at school.  Little Buddy was almost too excited for school if you ask me.  I was really worried he would cling to us and cry and cry and I would have to go back and pick him up from school.  Not so much.  He barely glanced back at us before he dove for a ball and started throwing it around the room.  Munchkin Girl did well too.  She kept telling me she didn't want to go to school, but she forgot about her own fears as she put her arm around Little Buddy.

"Don't worry, you'll meet lots of new friends and the teachers will be very nice," she told her little brother.  Definitely a blissful family moment.  Until I looked at my watch.  9:20.  I was due at my customer meeting at 10:30 and it was over an hour drive.  Again, poor planning.

So, I went from doting Mom to sprinting career woman.  I gave Hubby a quick kiss and raced out the car.  No problem.  I should still make it as long as I drove fast.  Don't panic.  Road construction!  Speed reduced to 55.  Damnit!!  Seriously don't panic now.  I tried to tell myself and I needed to give myself a break.  I'm always early.  Usually everyone is late anyway.  I pulled in at 10:25 and ran down the stairs in my heels.  I was panting as I gave the receptionist my name.  And slightly sweating if I'm being honest.  The time was 10:32.  Only two minutes late.  Not bad. 

The lady took me down a hall and gestured toward the room.  At first it looked empty and I sighed in relief.  I walked through the door and was met with a conference table where there were already 10 people sitting.  They had started the meeting without me.  For someone who is ALWAYS early, there is nothing more excruciating than the feeling that you're very, very late.  And everyone is mad at you.  I'm a people pleaser, I can't help it.

The good news is that in the end, no one was mad and we got the sale.  And the kids loved school and Little Buddy even nodded at me when I asked him if he wanted to go back.   Probably couldn't have been a more hectic day, but it turned out fine.  Except for that nightmare I'm sure to have about being late to another meeting.

Mommy Guilt

I always thought I would quit working when I had kids.  Sometimes this knowledge can make women feel unmotivated to have a thriving career early in life.  After all, what's the point when it's only temporary?  However, for me it was the opposite.  I wanted to be really successful when I quit working so that I could go out on top and feel like I accomplished something.  Because of this, I worked like a maniac to try to break into the field of medical sales because that was my goal in life. 

After 2 jobs that were good but not great, I finally broke into medical sales.  I was nervous to drive all over the Midwest alone, and nervous to lose my work friends, but it turned out that I LOVED it.  And I thrived and became the top sales rep.  SO, when I had Munchkin Girl and it was time to quit, I found that I didn't really want to.  Not only that, but it just so happened that my company reorganized and I suddenly only had one state instead of three states.  I thought, Why not give it a try?  If I hate being a working mom, I'll quit.

It's been three years since I made that decision and I would say I now have a love/hate relationship with being a working mom.  This is all coming up at an interesting time because there was a segment on the "Today Show" this morning about the guilt that working moms have to deal with every day.  I thought it was ironic timing because just this morning I was thinking how absurd it was that I had just dropped the kids off at my nanny's house.  That seems reasonable, so you might wonder why that is absurd?

Well, my nanny lives 20 minutes away and we pay her to come to the house to take care of the kids.  However, I've found that when I leave my own house, they cry and carry on and I feel guilty all day for leaving them.  They beg me not to leave.  As I pull out of the garage I can hear the nanny struggling to get them distracted with promises of going downstairs or outside to play.  Little Buddy, my youngest, has a hard time getting out of a funky mood.  This means that I worry all day that he's in a bad mood because I had to leave. 

Alas, the miracle of discovering that they LOVE going to the nanny's house!!  She has a huge dog that the kids love.  Plus my nanny has a younger brother and sister who often are home to play with the kids.  So, instead of leaving 2 crying kids, they both hop out of the car with a smile and scurry inside to play.  It makes me so happy.  Then I can go about my day without feeling guilty for being a working mom.  My kids are happy and so am I.  Is it worth the 40 minutes out of my day that I squander so that my kids are happy?  Absolutely!  Well, most days anyway.