Yesterday my daughter was in one of those moods.  She was deliberately trying to irritate everyone.  I take that back...she was trying to be funny and in the process was being super annoying.  For example, when it was time to brush her teeth, she went into the bathroom and said, "Watch this, Mommy!"

She proceeded to knock over the soap holder, spilling soap everywhere and she grinned the entire time.  She was genuinely trying to make me laugh and didn't have a clue that I wouldn't think it was funny to knock over the soap at 7:45 after a long day. 

I wanted to say, "What is wrong with you today?  Why are you being so annoying?"  

Yet I didn't.  A new study out by the American Academy of Pediatrics made me think twice and I am eternally grateful for these studies that force me to take a step back and evaluate how I interact with my children.  This study points out that although physical abuse is clearly harmful, consistently belittling a child can also have long-lasting negative effects on their overall well-being.  The study goes on to point out that it's very difficult to spot true verbal abuse in children, but that it can be equally as abusive, if not more.  It defines verbal abuse as:

"Emotional or psychological abuse is a repeated pattern of behavior by a parent or caregiver that can be verbal or nonverbal, active or passive, intentional or unintentional, but is interpreted negatively by a child, and can result in developmental, social, emotional and academic problems."

Of course, I don't think I abuse my children in any way.  I tell them I love them constantly, and I hug and kiss them way more than they really want.  The key to the definition given by the AAP is a repeated pattern.  Yes, I've yelled before, but I don't yell often, so I'm sure my kids are fine.  The point is that I have definitely been tempted to belittle them when I've had a long day and they talk back to me.  I've also seen first-hand parents who say very mean things to their kids, such as "Ugh, what is wrong with you?  I've had enough of you for one day.  I seriously can't stand you today!"

These are good parents saying these things.  They just get frazzled and don't think about what they're saying.  Like me, I'm sure they regret it when they say mean things, so this research does make me pause and think about how I interact and speak to my kids on a daily basis.  Here are a few examples that I thought of:

Situation 1:  Munchkin Girl whines all day long.  Everything she wants is said with a whine and nothing I do seems to please her.  It is making me so crazy I feel that I'm going to snap at any minute.

What I want to say:  "What is wrong with you?  Why do you have to whine all day long?  I am SO SICK of this whining!!"

What would be better to say:  "I would sure love to help you, but I can't until you ask me in a nice voice.  I can't help girls who are whining." And then walk away and force her to come and ask me in a nice voice.

Situation 2:  I spend 30 minutes making spaghetti and when I serve it, both kids complain that they didn't want spaghetti, that they wanted different plates and they don't like the forks I gave them.

What I want to say:  "Quit complaining!   I spent all day making this stupid dinner for you and if you don't like it you can just go to your room!!"

What might be better: "That is so sad that you don't like your dinner.  Here, why don't you hand me your plate and I'll put everything away.  Maybe you'll like your dinner better tomorrow."   (I've done this before.  It's very effective when they realize they won't be getting any dinner at all if they don't stop complaining).

Situation 3:  Both kids are playing in the family room and are having fun until suddenly Munckin Girl realizes that Little Buddy is enjoying playing with his hammer set.  She walks over, steals his hammer and then Little Buddy smacks her in the head to get it back.  She then proceeds to starts pounding him with the hammer and they are both crying hysterically.

What I want to say:  "THAT'S IT!!  What is wrong with you two?  Why can't we ever have some peace and quiet?!?  You're driving me CRAZY!!"

What would be better: "Okay, you two are in a time-out in different rooms.  You can sit in the family room and you can sit right here in the dining room.  I'm going to be in the kitchen and you are welcome to come hang out with me when you are ready to stop pestering each other and act nicely." (Again, I've tried this.  They tend to cry for several minutes and I tell them I know how they feel and they are welcome to come out as soon as they stop crying and are ready to be nice.  I learned this from a neighbor who has 6 children.  Children really hate to be secluded so it works remarkably well)

If you want to find out more about how to make kids behave so you can yell less, please consider buying a copy of my newly released book, The Happy Mommy Handbook: The Ultimate How-to Guide on Keeping Your Toddlers and Preschoolers Busy, Out of Trouble and Motivated to Learn.  We give hundreds of ideas on how to keep kids buys in a productive way to stimulate their natural curiosity and prepare them for Kindergarten by giving them interesting yet challenging games to play every day.  You will get lots of information about how kids behave better if they are:

1.  Given challenging projects and activities through the week to stimulate their active little brains
2.  Given lots of quality time with Mom or Dad, where they are praised for their actual accomplishments, such as painting or something creative.
3.  Given appropriate punishments for unwanted behavior, but the punishment should be done without belittling and when they've paid their price, it should be over and parents shouldn't hold a grudge.

4.  Given lots of opportunity to sleep!

We would love for you watch this video, where we speak more about what we have created and how it can help you!